Hello? Are you still there?
I'm going to try to get a little more blogging done this year than last, and I'm starting off with sharing what's going on in my brain right now. It's not all rainbows and puppy dogs (I would never have puppy dogs in there anyway, let's say something I like, like Taco Bell. It's not all rainbows and Taco Bell. That's better. Anyway)
To be completely honest, these last couple months have been a struggle. Noah hasn't been sleeping well and he's been eating a lot so I feel a bit like a hostage. I had a dream the other night that I was trying to escape from bad guys and I kept having to stop to find places to nurse. That is my life right now. Well, actually right now, Noah is either weaning or on a nursing strike or something and it's making me crazy. He doesn't want to nurse. I'm trying to feed him solids, formula, milk, I'm nursing, bottle feeding and spoon feeding. All the while I'm fighting with myself. Is he getting enough food? Is he hungry? Is he too full? Maybe he can't tell when he's full...maybe he has that disease? If I stop nursing I'm a bad mother. What if I scar him emotionally? What if he gets allergies and ear infections? What if I get breast cancer? Formula is so expensive and I can make his food with my body. I'm trying to handle this on 5 or so, non-continuous, hours of sleep per night. I'm not trying to be a whiny baby-because one of those is enough around here. Noah is usually a happy and calm baby. I can not say the same for his mother.
Our Christmas was lovely. I just wasn't into it. None of it. I put up the tree, but didn't decorate it because all I could think about was how I'd just have to take it all down in a few weeks anyway and I just don't care about that stuff. Am I a Scrooge? I think I might be. I'm thankful for my close family and my best friends who have been putting up with my near constant complaining these last few weeks. I figure why should they have all the fun?
This morning, I woke up with Noah, too early, and I sat in the rocking chair and cried.
Then I read President Monson's talk in the January Ensign and Sister Hinckley's pamphlet on Motherhood and I felt better. I feel better. Life isn't perfect. I can not do everything but I am going to continue to do the best I can.
Have a good attitude, believe in yourself, and face life with courage.
"There are few things as powerful in the world as the examples of righteous mothers and dedicated women..."
Here's to a happier, and more rested, 2012.